Everyone’s looked at a decision they previously made, or just looked at everyone around them and wondered why am I here?
I’ve been thinking all of the above for the last year or so. The decisions China (obviously) and then going back in to University and in to a degree where my peers have a very different mind set to me. They’re incredibly practical.
Were you expecting a story time? No? Well, sorry to disappoint my hiatus is being mildly interrupted by an irrelevant story.
When I first started university, in the ancient times of 2013, I lived next to a firecracker of a girl in halls. She had bright orange hair snapped in to a pixie cut and she was loud and opinionated from the get-go, a riot, a laugh. She was also studying the same degree, English Literature and I never saw her. Not in a single lecture, I looked ( and she should have been easy to find). There never appeared to be anything wrong with her except for the fact she literally was the most emotional live wire I’d ever met.
We weren’t really friends. She was just someone I could talk to and honestly felt exhausted after every conversation with her. Firecracker had her own friends, close ones and I’d here all the gossip eventually funnel through out little cube in the halls and about her boyfriend and her life. She didn’t like her course, that much was a given and I found it so strange how I never ran in to her, not once.
It’s because she never turned up. Not to a single lecture, or at least from what I could see. Maybe I should have offered to walk with her to them, encourage her. But at the time I was too overwhelmed by this is UNIVERSITY and all that shy first years do. It probably wouldn’t have made a difference. It wasn’t until March that she received a letter that she’d failed her essays and was being kicked out. I don’t think she even knew what they would have been about let alone written them. So then she was gone.
I don’t really know what the moral is here, or what I’m trying to say? Work hard? The girl didn’t even want to take that degree, she loved art and her mum had engineered her in to Literature from as far as I’m aware – as much as I heard from her and others.
I guess I just feel a little like her. Surrounded by people who have different mind sets and loving something very different than me. I chose this degree myself but I chose Archiving because I fell in love with the idea of hidden stories in old folders and boxes that have been untouched for years. Who knows what could be found? I fell in love with the idea of mystery. But my degree is also a science and that means cutting through romanticism (and anything remotely interesting in my opinion) and creating hard and fast standards.
I guess what I’m trying to say is life is crazy and everyone and everything is so messy and complicated and different. That girl didn’t know how she was going to react to her first year of university and taking a degree she didn’t want to do. Who would go in to anything with such fatalism? And what I’m saying is neither did I and yet, I’m honestly wondering if I can do this. Make this month and a half last.